Communication Styles in Couple Conflicts

communication styles in couple conflicts by Elpizo CounsellingCouples come with variety of problems in a therapist’s office. Many invariably point finger at their spouse or partner for the relationship difficulties, many argue about finance, intimacy, in-laws, or rearing kids. The problems couples share are simply the effects of a hidden root cause. The root cause is often emotional disconnectedness. Couples desperately try to connect but achieve the opposite due to malfunctional communication style known as “demon dialogues”, the term first coined by Dr. Sue Johnson, according to Dr. Johnson, three destructive communication styles in couple conflicts are:

Find the Bad Guy

This is “attack-attack” communication style, where couples are getting locked in arguments, rattling off accusations at each other, they don’t listen to each other, instead they judge and plan for their next blow. E.g. Linda shouts at Ben for never helping in the kitchen, and Ben retaliates by saying that Linda is ungrateful for his help in the kitchen twice last week, despite long workdays, while Linda gets to stay at home with the children due to his hard labour. This pattern is difficult to maintain for long periods of time and leads to the next.

The Protest Polka

This is the “attack-withdraw” pattern. One partner criticizes or pursues by making demands. This overwhelms the other partner who becomes defensive and shuts down. This devastates the first partner further and leads them to double down their efforts, perceived by the other as an “attack”, leading them to shut down even more. This cycle often escalates into the third one.

Freeze and Flee

When the above two patterns have been going on for a long time, it often drains the energy of the couple, making them feel hopeless, helpless, and distant. Third pattern of “withdraw-withdraw” emerges. Both partners step back to avoid hurt, criticism and rejection. They barely connect and stop taking risk of making contact.

Is There Hope?

There is hope, as our therapists at Elpizo are trained in helping couples recreate and reclaim their relationship. They help couples to change their deeply set harmful communication patterns. Our counsellors help the couple to be safe with each other initially, followed by helping couple learn and practice healthy communication styles and maintaining healthy boundaries. We then help the couple to own their responsibilities, help them being empathetic towards each other, enable them to create new relationship with emotional warmth and connectedness based on the solid foundation of respectful and healthy communication style.

Mamta Bhatt, RP(Q)

communication styles in couple conflicts by Elpizo CounsellingCouples come with variety of problems in a therapist’s office. Many invariably point finger at their spouse or partner for the relationship difficulties, many argue about finance, intimacy, in-laws, or rearing kids. The problems couples share are simply the effects of a hidden root cause. The root cause is often emotional disconnectedness. Couples desperately try to connect but achieve the opposite due to malfunctional communication style known as “demon dialogues”, the term first coined by Dr. Sue Johnson, according to Dr. Johnson, three destructive communication styles in couple conflicts are:

Find the Bad Guy

This is “attack-attack” communication style, where couples are getting locked in arguments, rattling off accusations at each other, they don’t listen to each other, instead they judge and plan for their next blow. E.g. Linda shouts at Ben for never helping in the kitchen, and Ben retaliates by saying that Linda is ungrateful for his help in the kitchen twice last week, despite long workdays, while Linda gets to stay at home with the children due to his hard labour. This pattern is difficult to maintain for long periods of time and leads to the next.

The Protest Polka

This is the “attack-withdraw” pattern. One partner criticizes or pursues by making demands. This overwhelms the other partner who becomes defensive and shuts down. This devastates the first partner further and leads them to double down their efforts, perceived by the other as an “attack”, leading them to shut down even more. This cycle often escalates into the third one.

Freeze and Flee

When the above two patterns have been going on for a long time, it often drains the energy of the couple, making them feel hopeless, helpless, and distant. Third pattern of “withdraw-withdraw” emerges. Both partners step back to avoid hurt, criticism and rejection. They barely connect and stop taking risk of making contact.

Is There Hope?

There is hope, as our therapists at Elpizo are trained in helping couples recreate and reclaim their relationship. They help couples to change their deeply set harmful communication patterns. Our counsellors help the couple to be safe with each other initially, followed by helping couple learn and practice healthy communication styles and maintaining healthy boundaries. We then help the couple to own their responsibilities, help them being empathetic towards each other, enable them to create new relationship with emotional warmth and connectedness based on the solid foundation of respectful and healthy communication style.

Mamta Bhatt, RP(Q)

Key to Stronger Relationships

The key to stronger relationships from ELpizo CounsellingAre you ready for a journey into the heart of relationship bliss? Today, we’re diving deep into the wonderful world of couples learning to accept influence. But don’t worry, we’ll keep it light and sprinkle in some humor along the way with our latest post about the key to stronger relationships!

Picture this: you and your partner, sitting on the couch, trying to decide what to watch on TV. You suggest a romantic comedy, and they counter with an action-packed thriller. Do you turn towards each other with curiosity and compromise, or do you turn away, each stubbornly holding onto your own preference?

In the dance of relationships, turning towards means embracing your partner’s ideas, feelings, and desires with open arms. It’s the secret sauce that keeps love alive and thriving. But sometimes, we miss the subtle cues from our partners, especially when it comes to nonverbal communication.

Think about the last time your partner gave you a longing glance or reached out for your hand. Did you reciprocate with a smile or a gentle squeeze, or did you let the moment slip by unnoticed? Nonverbal cues are like hidden messages waiting to be decoded, and when we miss them, we risk turning away from the connection our partner is offering.

Remember those text message notes that can sound like they’re turning away? Phrases like “Whatever you want” or “I don’t care” may seem harmless, but they can create distance instead of closeness. Successful couples know how to navigate these verbal and nonverbal minefields with grace and humor.

Perhaps you grew up watching your parents interact, with Dad lounging on the couch while Mom chattered away. Did you notice how Dad’s absentminded comments may have been taken by Mom? The detriments of turning away are like tiny drops of water in a bucket. Before you know it, the bucket is full, and your partner is disconnected or seeking connection elsewhere.

But fear not! There’s hope for all lovebirds out there. Here are some best practices from successful couples who have mastered the art of accepting influence:

  1. Active Listening: “Tell me more about that.”
  2. Empathy: “I understand where you’re coming from.”
  3. Compromise: “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”

Valentine’s Day might have been a good reminder to create opportunities for turning towards each other. So let’s not wait for the V-Day, continue to plan romantic dinners, surprise your partner with a heartfelt gesture, or simply spend quality time together without distractions. But why stop there? Why not take it up a notch with our Turning Towards Challenge? We’ve compiled 14 secret acts of love and kindness that couples can do for each other constantly and consistently to test how turning towards can make a difference in their relationship.

  1. Leave a love note in their jacket pocket.
  2. Cook their favorite dinner and set up a candlelit table.
  3. Write a list of things you appreciate about them and leave it somewhere they’ll find it.
  4. Make a playlist of songs that remind you of them and share it with them.
  5. End the day with cuddles and conversation about your favorite memories together.

As a part of the challenge consider these common ways in which people often turning away from their partner. Choose two:

  1. Listen attentively when your partner is speaking, without interrupting or dismissing their thoughts.
  2. Make eye contact during conversations to show your presence and engagement. (Phone Down, stop what you’re doing which are all Non-verbal cues to show that you are in fact listening)
  3. Make time for regular check-ins to discuss your relationship and address any concerns or issues. (Couple appointment times are great, if you share calendars then pencil yourself in, send a meeting invite and name it something fun like connecting with my baby)
  4. Show affection through physical touch, such as holding hands or giving spontaneous hugs. (look at them meaningfully eye contact is a lost art try to communicate using your eyes and playfully ask if they got the message, at the least it may foster a laugh)
  5. Make an effort to prioritize your relationship, carving out quality time together amidst busy schedules and commitments. (Life will always be moving ahead, you control the pause create a pause in your relationships just like you do with work and all the other things that happen throughout the day give yourself permission to prioritize each other just like you did in the beginning)

By completing these small acts of kindness and turning towards each other throughout the day, you’ll not only strengthen your bond but also create lasting memories of love and connection. So, are you ready to take on the Turning Towards Challenge? Let the love and kindness flow! 💕 #TurningTowardsChallenge

By actively avoiding these common pitfalls and committing to turning towards your partner in these ways, you’ll deepen your connection and nurture a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with vibrance and love.

Finally, when you catch your partner turning towards you, don’t forget to acknowledge and affirm their efforts. As the saying goes, “Every drop of love counts in the bucket of relationships!”

So, here’s to embracing influence, fostering connection, and keeping the flame of love burning bright. Cheers to all the couples out there who are on this beautiful journey together!

With love and laughter,

Nadine Thompson, RMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist

Nadine is a marriage and family therapist at Elpizo Counselling with several years of experience, where she thoroughly enjoys and thrives at strengthening couple’s relationships.

The key to stronger relationships from ELpizo Counselling

Are you ready for a journey into the heart of relationship bliss? Today, we’re diving deep into the wonderful world of couples learning to accept influence. But don’t worry, we’ll keep it light and sprinkle in some humor along the way with our latest post on the key to stronger relationships!

Picture this: you and your partner, sitting on the couch, trying to decide what to watch on TV. You suggest a romantic comedy, and they counter with an action-packed thriller. Do you turn towards each other with curiosity and compromise, or do you turn away, each stubbornly holding onto your own preference?

In the dance of relationships, turning towards means embracing your partner’s ideas, feelings, and desires with open arms. It’s the secret sauce that keeps love alive and thriving. But sometimes, we miss the subtle cues from our partners, especially when it comes to nonverbal communication.

Think about the last time your partner gave you a longing glance or reached out for your hand. Did you reciprocate with a smile or a gentle squeeze, or did you let the moment slip by unnoticed? Nonverbal cues are like hidden messages waiting to be decoded, and when we miss them, we risk turning away from the connection our partner is offering.

Remember those text message notes that can sound like they’re turning away? Phrases like “Whatever you want” or “I don’t care” may seem harmless, but they can create distance instead of closeness. Successful couples know how to navigate these verbal and nonverbal minefields with grace and humor.

Perhaps you grew up watching your parents interact, with Dad lounging on the couch while Mom chattered away. Did you notice how Dad’s absentminded comments may have been taken by Mom? The detriments of turning away are like tiny drops of water in a bucket. Before you know it, the bucket is full, and your partner is disconnected or seeking connection elsewhere.

But fear not! There’s hope for all lovebirds out there. Here are some best practices from successful couples who have mastered the art of accepting influence:

  1. Active Listening: “Tell me more about that.”
  2. Empathy: “I understand where you’re coming from.”
  3. Compromise: “Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.”

Valentine’s Day might have been a good reminder to create opportunities for turning towards each other. So let’s not wait for the V-Day, continue to plan romantic dinners, surprise your partner with a heartfelt gesture, or simply spend quality time together without distractions. But why stop there? Why not take it up a notch with our Turning Towards Challenge? We’ve compiled 14 secret acts of love and kindness that couples can do for each other constantly and consistently to test how turning towards can make a difference in their relationship.

  1. Leave a love note in their jacket pocket.
  2. Cook their favorite dinner and set up a candlelit table.
  3. Write a list of things you appreciate about them and leave it somewhere they’ll find it.
  4. Make a playlist of songs that remind you of them and share it with them.
  5. End the day with cuddles and conversation about your favorite memories together.

As a part of the challenge consider these common ways in which people often turning away from their partner. Choose two:

  1. Listen attentively when your partner is speaking, without interrupting or dismissing their thoughts.
  2. Make eye contact during conversations to show your presence and engagement. (Phone Down, stop what you’re doing which are all Non-verbal cues to show that you are in fact listening)
  3. Make time for regular check-ins to discuss your relationship and address any concerns or issues. (Couple appointment times are great, if you share calendars then pencil yourself in, send a meeting invite and name it something fun like connecting with my baby)
  4. Show affection through physical touch, such as holding hands or giving spontaneous hugs. (look at them meaningfully eye contact is a lost art try to communicate using your eyes and playfully ask if they got the message, at the least it may foster a laugh)
  5. Make an effort to prioritize your relationship, carving out quality time together amidst busy schedules and commitments. (Life will always be moving ahead, you control the pause create a pause in your relationships just like you do with work and all the other things that happen throughout the day give yourself permission to prioritize each other just like you did in the beginning)

By completing these small acts of kindness and turning towards each other throughout the day, you’ll not only strengthen your bond but also create lasting memories of love and connection. So, are you ready to take on the Turning Towards Challenge? Let the love and kindness flow! 💕 #TurningTowardsChallenge

By actively avoiding these common pitfalls and committing to turning towards your partner in these ways, you’ll deepen your connection and nurture a stronger, more fulfilling relationship with vibrance and love.

Finally, when you catch your partner turning towards you, don’t forget to acknowledge and affirm their efforts. As the saying goes, “Every drop of love counts in the bucket of relationships!”

So, here’s to embracing influence, fostering connection, and keeping the flame of love burning bright. Cheers to all the couples out there who are on this beautiful journey together!

With love and laughter,

Nadine Thompson, RMFT

Marriage and Family Therapist

Nadine is a marriage and family therapist at Elpizo Counselling with several years of experience, where she thoroughly enjoys and thrives at strengthening couple’s relationships.