Couples come with variety of problems in a therapist’s office. Many invariably point finger at their spouse or partner for the relationship difficulties, many argue about finance, intimacy, in-laws, or rearing kids. The problems couples share are simply the effects of a hidden root cause. The root cause is often emotional disconnectedness. Couples desperately try to connect but achieve the opposite due to malfunctional communication style known as “demon dialogues”, the term first coined by Dr. Sue Johnson, according to Dr. Johnson, three destructive communication styles in couple conflicts are:
Find the Bad Guy
This is “attack-attack” communication style, where couples are getting locked in arguments, rattling off accusations at each other, they don’t listen to each other, instead they judge and plan for their next blow. E.g. Linda shouts at Ben for never helping in the kitchen, and Ben retaliates by saying that Linda is ungrateful for his help in the kitchen twice last week, despite long workdays, while Linda gets to stay at home with the children due to his hard labour. This pattern is difficult to maintain for long periods of time and leads to the next.
The Protest Polka
This is the “attack-withdraw” pattern. One partner criticizes or pursues by making demands. This overwhelms the other partner who becomes defensive and shuts down. This devastates the first partner further and leads them to double down their efforts, perceived by the other as an “attack”, leading them to shut down even more. This cycle often escalates into the third one.
Freeze and Flee
When the above two patterns have been going on for a long time, it often drains the energy of the couple, making them feel hopeless, helpless, and distant. Third pattern of “withdraw-withdraw” emerges. Both partners step back to avoid hurt, criticism and rejection. They barely connect and stop taking risk of making contact.
Is There Hope?
There is hope, as our therapists at Elpizo are trained in helping couples recreate and reclaim their relationship. They help couples to change their deeply set harmful communication patterns. Our counsellors help the couple to be safe with each other initially, followed by helping couple learn and practice healthy communication styles and maintaining healthy boundaries. We then help the couple to own their responsibilities, help them being empathetic towards each other, enable them to create new relationship with emotional warmth and connectedness based on the solid foundation of respectful and healthy communication style.
Mamta Bhatt, RP(Q)
Couples come with variety of problems in a therapist’s office. Many invariably point finger at their spouse or partner for the relationship difficulties, many argue about finance, intimacy, in-laws, or rearing kids. The problems couples share are simply the effects of a hidden root cause. The root cause is often emotional disconnectedness. Couples desperately try to connect but achieve the opposite due to malfunctional communication style known as “demon dialogues”, the term first coined by Dr. Sue Johnson, according to Dr. Johnson, three destructive communication styles in couple conflicts are:
Find the Bad Guy
This is “attack-attack” communication style, where couples are getting locked in arguments, rattling off accusations at each other, they don’t listen to each other, instead they judge and plan for their next blow. E.g. Linda shouts at Ben for never helping in the kitchen, and Ben retaliates by saying that Linda is ungrateful for his help in the kitchen twice last week, despite long workdays, while Linda gets to stay at home with the children due to his hard labour. This pattern is difficult to maintain for long periods of time and leads to the next.
The Protest Polka
This is the “attack-withdraw” pattern. One partner criticizes or pursues by making demands. This overwhelms the other partner who becomes defensive and shuts down. This devastates the first partner further and leads them to double down their efforts, perceived by the other as an “attack”, leading them to shut down even more. This cycle often escalates into the third one.
Freeze and Flee
When the above two patterns have been going on for a long time, it often drains the energy of the couple, making them feel hopeless, helpless, and distant. Third pattern of “withdraw-withdraw” emerges. Both partners step back to avoid hurt, criticism and rejection. They barely connect and stop taking risk of making contact.
Is There Hope?
There is hope, as our therapists at Elpizo are trained in helping couples recreate and reclaim their relationship. They help couples to change their deeply set harmful communication patterns. Our counsellors help the couple to be safe with each other initially, followed by helping couple learn and practice healthy communication styles and maintaining healthy boundaries. We then help the couple to own their responsibilities, help them being empathetic towards each other, enable them to create new relationship with emotional warmth and connectedness based on the solid foundation of respectful and healthy communication style.
Mamta Bhatt, RP(Q)
Are you ready for a journey into the heart of relationship bliss? Today, we’re diving deep into the wonderful world of couples learning to accept influence. But don’t worry, we’ll keep it light and sprinkle in some humor along the way with our latest post about the key to stronger 
